So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
