I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
