I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people