Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
