how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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