too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
