I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
