he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
