My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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