you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
