you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
