Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
