I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick