In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
