i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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