The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
