He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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