I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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