Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
