Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
