i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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