Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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