Even water is tasting like jack daniels
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
