the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
be right there i have to get my cape
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
