Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
