u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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