In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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