they need to just BURY HIM!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
