Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
