My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
