fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
