Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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