I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
