I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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