I'm sorry my penis didn't work
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
