His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want my vagina anymore.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
