i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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