no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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