i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
