Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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