I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
