1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
