We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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