Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
