your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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