the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Randomize
