so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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