I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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