i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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