I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
