so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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