Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
