remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ketchup is God's man juice
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
