Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
