the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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