That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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