The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
